Dating After Shame: Sex in the Age of Contradiction
Sex. Most of us want it, some of us have it. It is, in its essence, an essential part of the human experience. Whether you're gay, straight, or something in between, the definition of sex remains the same: a physical act between two (or more) individuals for the purpose of pleasure. Yes, it's for procreation, too, but let's get real—we have sex because it feels good.
Historically, there is no question that sex—as both an act and a concept— has been seen as taboo and shameful. This, in my belief, is partially due to the extreme repercussions of sex that we had limited solutions to historically, being, of course, unplanned pregnancy, sexually transmitted disease and the destruction of social relationships. The biggest perpetuator of our fear of sex, however, is obviously religious ideology and purity culture. But now, in 2025, sex is less scary. Birth control exists. We have testing and treatment for the disease. It is generally acceptable to engage in sexual relationships outside of marriage.
In the last 10 or so years, the approach to sex (speaking specifically to Gen Z and millennials in the West) has changed drastically. I wonder: what is this new-age approach to dating for both the involved and the celibate?
When I listen to conversations my friends have about sex, there is no singular shift in how they perceive and engage in sexual acts. So there is one constant in this topic—everyone views, experiences and has sex differently. That should be a given, but I have noticed that, as a society, we tend to generalize social perspectives as the perspective of the whole or the majority. This belief is upheld—that trending opinions reflect majority rule—rather than the more likely possibility that these ideas are gaining attention because they contradict past collective beliefs or carry shock value. The media thrives on shock value, extreme ideology (whether for better or worse) and shame.
Alongside that, we do, as a collective, still maintain a weird tension around sex. We say we’re open about it, but this underlying shame remains. People still get judged for how much or how little they’re having, for who they’re doing it with or why. We’ve come a long way, but that doesn’t mean we’re comfortable. We just got better at pretending we are.
So we are at an impasse. We have two apparent sides that exist primarily on social media but have been lingering into real life: the traditional ideology surrounding sex (purity culture) and the “sexually liberated” (the radical discussions about sex). So again, what is this new culture and how does it affect dating?
To be frank, it is a mix of personal freedom and cultural confusion. On the surface, we are moving towards conversations about openness, agency, expression, and exploration. Saying that we do this without shame wouldn’t be entirely true, but I feel it is often perceived as such. Underneath this shift and outside of the media, people are still navigating fear, misalignment and judgment within themselves and their relationships. Whether you’re celibate or sexually active, the expectations aren’t clear anymore. That can feel freeing but also exhausting. The point is—there’s no single rulebook now; there are just a lot of people trying to figure out what they want, what is healthy, and what actually works for them.
“We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it’s a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
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In my dating life, I have questioned, when entering new relationships or interacting with individuals who may want to form a relationship with me (romantic or sexual), what exactly they are looking for sexually. As a young woman who considers herself “sexually liberated” (by my definition as understanding and accepting one’s own sexuality and oneself as a sexual individual), I have no shame in saying that though I enjoy sex, I am unable to form sexual attachments to people I am not already romantically involved with. That being said, while I have no issue with individuals who choose to seek out casual sexual attachments, I find it intimidating to date with the fear that we may be seeking out different things. This is a common complaint I hear among my friends as well.
It could be argued that the new openness about sex and sexual topics (porn and kink culture) is affecting people's dating lives, but I would argue that it actually doesn't. The fear around not being able to find people who align with your sexual ideologies or preferences, simply because there is a perceived increase in the differentiation of these preferences, is ignorant to the fact that, like I said, everyone views sex differently, and they always have. There is no singular way to experience sex. The reality is that the internet has increased our ability to connect with each other (like I am now), and so these significant societal changes that feel like they are new but just have increased visibility.
These forms of sexual expression—whether that be hypersexuality, polyamory, asexuality, casual sex or waiting until marriage—have always existed. We just talk about them more.
Part of dating is experiencing and discovering what works for you. Don't be afraid of dating just because of sex. That's part of finding the right person. Sometimes, your views will differ, and sometimes, you have to tell someone you like that you're not interested in casual sexual relationships. But that's okay.
