Lessons from a breakup.
“I suddenly realized that unless something changed soon, I was going to live a life where my major relationship was with a bottle of wine.
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I recently ended one of the most serious relationships I’ve had. While I will not share the details out of respect for both my own privacy and that of my now-ex-partner, I can say is that this experience profoundly shifted how I see not just dating, but the ways we hold on, let go, and learn to love better. Here are three lessons I’ve taken from that journey.
One, commitment is not linear.
I have a habit of committing deeply, both to my partner and to their life, when entering a relationship. While it is safe to say that commitment is essential in all romantic relationships, the word ‘commitment’ means more than just an agreement to monogamy, making it more complex than just an agreement that surrounds sexual intimacy. For one, not all romantic couples choose to engage in sex, and sex, in itself, can be separate from romantic relationships - take friends with benefits, for example. Commitment in romantic relationships involves a commitment to your partner’s needs, beliefs, feelings, and general well-being. While this seems self-explanatory, I have found that often —and unsurprisingly —there is an assumption that after working for someone, to gain them as a partner, being there is good enough. I thought the same thing: as long as a person is there, I will be okay. While different people have different needs, and some may not need that specific form of commitment, it is essential that your partner actively displays their devotion to you in the way you need it. So, in summary, commitment in a romantic relationship means more than presence or monogamy - it’s an ongoing, active devotion to your partner’s emotional needs and well-being, expressed in the ways that matter most to them.
Two, it’s okay to leave when it’s good.
A fear of being alone is a profoundly real experience felt by many people. Beyond that, there is the fear that it will get better, or that it is better, so if I leave, I may be missing out on what I have been working to build or preserve. We’re taught that the problems don’t matter if you fight for it and struggle, because love conquers all. Still, it doesn’t discuss how love deteriorates under that kind of emotional damage, and that while things may work out now, in the future, when enormous stresses arise, or in marriages, those issues do resurface. It took me a long time to recognize and accept that leaving, regardless of how much time you have been with a person, or how much work, therapy, or effort you have invested, is still an option and often the best one. I have a tendency to stick around and fight for a person, knowing that it’s not working and that it will continue not to work. Sometimes, you reach a point in the relationship where many of the issues you have been working through are absent at the time, but have the potential to resurface in the future. And sometimes the best thing you can do is leave while respect is preserved to prevent more pain.
Three, not fighting is not healthy.
Not fighting in a relationship isn’t always healthy. Sometimes it means that neither partner feels comfortable enough to express their true feelings or concerns honestly and emotionally. When there’s no room to express frustration or disappointment, the relationship lacks emotional sincerity. Instead of building a real connection, it creates an expectation for stability without openness to growth or being upset. This kind of quiet doesn’t bring security — it builds a false sense of safety that actually fosters distrust and fear underneath. Without the space to fight, to disagree, or to be vulnerable, there’s no real opportunity for the relationship to deepen. True closeness comes from facing the hard stuff together, not from avoiding it.
At the end of the day, breakups leave room for growth, they allow you to re-think and evaluate, what you choose, who and why. I think it is important to speak out loud (or write) the things you learn, and to honestly and fully acknowledge and implement those lessons. And to all of you who may be going through a breakup as well, sometimes its okay to choose vodka, and Chaka Khan.
