The Anatomy of a Healthy Relationship
Photo by Sara Abilova on Unsplash
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about relationships lately, both with myself and with friends. It’s been a heavy topic on my mind: what do relationships do to us, and what behaviours and traits-big and small-should we look for in a partner?
Last night, I came across a video about how relationships change us, specifically through personal growth, within all interpersonal relationships. Emma Chamberlain’s “Anything Goes” podcast - a fresh insight from someone around my age, on our generation’s way of loving.
Quick note: I think it is essential to listen to Gen Z’s perspective - as a Gen Z - when talking about these topics, as dating in general has changed so drastically for our generation specifically. While past generations’ perspectives definitely matter, they do not understand - or at the very least experience in the same way - the nuances of modern dating.
Emma had some great points touching on not only how relationships are catalysts of change both for better and for worse, but also how we mirror our partners, how we build our support nets, and how we approach conflict.
““Relationships are like mirrors - they show you who you are, but also who you have the potential to become.”
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This episode got me thinking about what aspects, both small and big, contribute to a healthy functioning relationship that fosters positive growth in both parties.
1, Consent
Consent is obviously crucial to a healthy relationship, both in personal matters and sexual interactions. Paying attention and actively prioritizing your partner’s consent, whether that be in daily activities or sexual interactions, is incredibly important. If you are suggesting an activity that your partner agrees to but displays body language that counteracts their “yes”, actively acknowledging and encouraging your partner to communicate builds foundations for them to say no in the future.
The University of Guelph has a super helpful acronym, “I’M SAFE.”
I - Informed
M - Moment to Moment
S - Specific
A - Awake and Aware
F - Freely given
E - Enthusiastic
2, Truth
Seeking truth is not about definitive answers; it’s about seeking individual truths and choosing to acknowledge and validate those truths. During conflict, we often seek to find the truth of a situation to determine who is right. In reality, there is no wrong way of feeling. While you are 100% capable of messing up, each person experiences and feels things differently. An individual’s feelings are just as valid, regardless of whether they counteract or disagree with their partners.
Having a partner who can empathize with your emotions and work to separate their own feelings allows you to do the same. Lead with example, to foster an environment where each person’s truth can be heard and valued.
3, Generosity
Generosity permeates the bounds of financial investments; it is about being generous with not only your physical resources, but your time, your emotional and physical energy, and your love. While the last one sounds cheesy, love is a choice. It takes an active effort to build and stoke love from both individuals, but it must be received with trust. The giving and taking of trust is a generous act.
Relationships are about give and take, showing how you care, and making sure your partner reflects that is vital. To sum it up, the gift of your time, your energy and your heart is the most valuable thing you can give.
4, Stress
A healthy amount of stress is actually important in a relationship - it challenges both partners and helps them grow. Sometimes, this stress looks like pushing your partner to chase their goals or passions. In doing that, you're introducing the possibility of failure or disappointment, but it's the kind of pressure that can lead to personal growth.
That said, it becomes a problem when the pressure is more about benefiting the person applying it, rather than genuinely wanting their partner to grow. Supporting and encouraging each other in ways that lead to real growth is one of the best ways to evolve both individually and as a couple. As your partner grows, you do too. Just make sure the stress you’re feeling (or giving) is helping, not harming - and that it’s coming from a place of care, not control.
5, Understanding
Part of getting to know and love a person is seeking to understand them. This includes how they love, what they need and their own thoughts and dreams. While this seems common knowledge, I have had a couple of boyfriends who, to put it simply, don’t ask the correct questions. Seeking out what lies behind your relationship with your partner (their own dating history, preferences, family structure and childhood experiences) is esssential to understanding them . While you might know your partner, there is always more to understand, and I am guilty of waiting for them to seek me out, as I’m sure many of you are. Not actively seeking understanding leaves you (and your partner) feeling like you’re living beside them, not with them. We often wait for them to tell us when we could be asking the questions that fuel understanding, empathy and intimacy. Here are some questions you can ask
When do you feel most like the purest version of yourself?
What’s your version of a perfect day - no logistics, no guilt, just vibes?
What did love look like in your house growing up, and how did it make you feel?
What do you need when you’re spiralling, but don’t want to say it out loud?
When was the last time you felt truly seen, like soul-naked seen?
What’s something you’ve never told a partner, but kind of wish someone had asked?
Photo by Nguyễn Hiệp on Unsplash
Maybe relationships aren’t meant to complete us, maybe they’re just meant to show us who we are when we stop pretending. The real question is: are we brave enough to be seen, and curious enough to keep looking?
